Going Back to School Makes me Nervous.

So I applied to the Arizona State. And I got in. I’m doing it online since moving to Arizona isn’t an option I even considered.

(But I live in Chicago, and winter is coming so I may change my mind.)

I’m 26 years old. I’m supposed to be done with school, not finishing up my Bachelor’s with the current class of 2023.

(I was supposed to be class of 2015.)

Boyfriend asked me if I was excited to go back to school. I told him it was just necessary at this point.

But do I really feel this way? Am I really going to let being on a different timeline sour this experience for me and make less of finally being able to study what I want?

I originally wanted to go to Arizona State when I was in high school so the fact that I’m actually getting my degree from that school is pretty neat.

But it’s hard to be excited when I’m actually pretty nervous. The idea of going back to school has been making me nervous for a while. So much so that I wasn’t able to follow through with any goal I set for myself.

As the time passed, I got nervous that I was too old, that I wouldn’t be able to complete a program, that it was too late to be finishing a degree I should’ve gotten years ago.

I need to stop letting myself get in my own way.

(But even typing this and putting it out there makes me nervous.)

I’ve convinced myself that all the dreams I had for my career are long gone. But what if I just have to rework them a little?

There are a lot of things working against me but they’re all in my own head.

(And in my bank account. But those are easier to figure out.)

Am I excited to go back to school? Yes.

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One Family

A family is supposed to be a unified group. While there is no real definition of what a family should look like, I’m a firm believer that family is family. If you are a member of my family, there is no difference between you and any other member of my family.

(Take a drink every time I say the word “family” in this post.)

I hate when family issues stem from one side of the family vs another. I hate it. There should be no difference between the two.

“It shouldn’t be my problem because they’re your family.”

“You figure it out with your family.”

“We’re only doing this with my side of the family.”

I don’t understand.

When you get married you don’t just marry the individual, you also join their family. If you insist on keeping that individualist mentality, I can only assume you’re going to run in to a long list of issues down the line.

There always seems to be an air of jealousy when taking about sides of families. Mom’s side, dad’s side, grandma’s side. It should all be the same thing. You figure things out together, you tackle issues as a unit. They should be there for you when you need them.

Don’t put someone in the middle if there is a problem.

I love Boyfriend’s family. All of them.

(Hello from Wisconsin where we are currently on his family vacation.)

They have treated me as a member of their family from day one and they always ask about my family when I see them.

I feel very lucky to have that be the dynamic because they will be my family one day and it’s always been a dream of mine to host a big holiday meal with all of our family members.

(They basically already are my family. His mom insists I call her mom. I love it.)

I don’t want Boyfriend to ever worry about asking me about anything having to do with his family. I will never get in the way.

I especially don’t like being made to feel like I’m going to offend someone by spending time with someone from the other side of the family or talking to them about something or doing them a favor or whatever.

That’s not fair. We’re supposed to be one family. As far as I am concerned I have one very large family. There are no sides. That doesn’t matter.

Is that naive? Am i expecting too much?

(Why can’t we all just get along?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going on Vacation is Stressful

I’m usually a go-with-the-flow type of person. Unless I’m going on vacation.

If I’m going on vacation I need a plan. At the very least I would like some basic details of what my time away is going to look like, or a rough list of activities we’re gonna do.

(I don’t need a complete itinerary, I’m not a psycho.)

Boyfriend and I are going on his family vacation to Wisconsin this week. In the couple of weeks leading up to it I had been asking him basic questions about what our vacation was going to look like.

(Simple questions like: where are we staying and what time are we supposed to get there?)

“I don’t know.”

That was his response to everything. I was laughing from frustration by the third time he said that.

Mind you, he is a person who will lose it if the plan is changed on him too last minute or if something is coming up and he doesn’t know what is going on. But I’m ridiculous for wanting to know where we are staying prior to us getting in the car and driving.

(To where? No one knows apparently.)

My family vacations growing up were always jam-packed with stuff. We were not a relaxing vacation kind of family. I don’t know how to go on that kind of vacation.

Every day was going or trying something new. If the vacation involved theme parks we had a schedule and were up early and not back in our room until the park closed.

Maybe the way I grew up is working against me here but I’ve never been more stressed about a trip than I am right now.

The idea that we are leaving and I don’t know anything about what the week is going to look like is driving me up a wall.

What’s also stressful is that I don’t understand how you don’t what to know these things or think to ask for details when they are not provided.

(Boyfriend. I’m speaking directly to you now. You are no longer allowed to ask what time we’re gonna be home if we’re out for the day. Ok?)

I don’t appreciate being made to feel like my need to know things is some foreign concept. I know this isn’t that big of a deal but being minimized every time I bring up that this is making me anxious doesn’t feel good.

It honestly makes it hard to get excited for this trip.

(Please don’t let me feel like I’m the only one that feels like this when it comes to vacations.)

 

Introducing Myself to my Grandpa

“It’s nice to meet you,” he said. And my heart broke.

It took everything I had to hold the tears back after hearing him introduce himself to me. This isn’t the first time this has happened but it stung a bit more this time. These are not words that you ever get used to hearing from your grandparents.

(It’s hard right now too. If I’m being honest.)

My grandpa has Alzheimer’s and over time it’s been gotten worse. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment he stopped knowing who I was. I almost feel like it’s better this way though because if I could recall the first time it happened I would think about it all the time.

When I was little I went with him everywhere. We would sneak out before everyone woke up to go to breakfast, we would go to the horse track and watch the races for hours, we went on weekend trips all the time, my grandparents even took me to Disney World for the first time.

He would always let me listen to musical soundtracks in the car and my grandparents took me to my first show.

(It was Annie and I fell asleep. But it still counts.)

In some ways. he hasn’t changed at all. He still has the same sense of humor that my grandma does not appreciate but I still find him hilarious. He still spends all day asking for snacks. Sometimes it’s like nothing is wrong and I find myself relaxing and just spending time with my grandpa.

It’s the other days. The ones where he gets out of the house and I can only assume the worst, or the days where he doesn’t recognize where he is and demands to go home despite already being there. Those days are hard.

I want to go get pancakes with him while I drink my third hot chocolate. I want to ask him if he remembers taking me to Disney. I want to be able to be able to answer a phone call from my grandma without automatically thinking something bad has happened.

I’m torn because I want to spend time with him while there is still coherence there but watching the deterioration of his mind is really hard on me. So hard that I find myself avoiding going to see my grandparents, but then I feel bad about it afterward.

(Being me gives me a headache sometimes.)

He doesn’t know who I am anymore but he does know who my dad is and understands the concept that I am his granddaughter. It’s kind of nice getting to know him again.

(He doesn’t remember I was his favorite any more. So at least my cousins have that.)

 

Therapy is Important

Ok so here’s the thing.

As you know, I get easily overwhelmed and I have this bad habit of letting that drag me down. I’ve had a couple weeks off work and laying around the house did not do wonders for my mental state.

(I hear you, get up and do something you potato.)

It’s harder to pull yourself out of an off mental state than a physical one, at least for me. I will fight through an illness if I have something going on or if plans were made. But if I wake up and feel like my day is useless, nothing can convince me otherwise.

Cue the mental circle of feeling like crap, not doing anything, and then feeling like crap because you didn’t do anything.

(These are the mental games I’m in therapy for.)

This is the cycle I’ve been working toward breaking but it’s proving difficult. It has been brought to my attention that I tend to have a defeatist attitude. That’s not a way I ever would have described myself. But I guess they’re right?

(Is that defeatist of me?)

My therapist has done wonders for me over the last year. I’m nervous about what therapy is going to look like now because I’m starting with a new person. My old therapist left and I had my last session with her last month. I thought I was ok with this but I think I have more reservations about this than I expected. I’ve already cancelled once.

(Maybe not going to therapy is why I’m feeling off?)

What is there to get overwhelmed by if you’ve just been sitting at home? Well, I can’t tell you that. Just that things have been mentally exhausting. Which, if you ask me, is the worst kind of problem to have because of the way my brain works.

I think what makes all of this worse is that when I’m feeling down, normal feels so far away.

I don’t mean to sound completely depressing. I know things aren’t that bad and I still find joy in things and all of that. I’m just off I suppose.

Taking these last few weeks off from therapy probably wasn’t a good idea. I’m going to keep my appointment next week.

(Though someone might have to check in and make sure I went.)